What are Platinum Customers?
Within the scheme of managing and to an abominably lesser extent, leading an organization; platinum customers are the dark manager’s pot of gold – the key stakeholders. I’ve seen murder being excused when the dark manager is able to address the needs of the higher ups while ignoring the peons.
There was this project where the structure stood like the tomb of Ramses, a darn pyramid. The implementation involved 20,000 people, while the VIPs aka Platinum customers consists of only 200 odd individuals that happen to use old frigid female employees to manage their time. Something tells me it’s the psychological substitute of their wives, except they get to order them around.
In summary, scramble when you’re summoned, always send your best looking staff to see the customers (see Image) and if the peons are getting a cheese burger value meal, platinum customers receive a super sized three quarter pounder with three helpings of cheese, extra fries and an extra large cup of Coke. Oh, and ice cream is on the house.
I have managers that swear by hiring at least 1 or 2 skimpily dressed ladies (which are quite pleasing to look at I might add). While the men that function within this purpose needs to be clean cut as well. There’s one trend that I noticed though, they rarely hire men who are taller than they are. Signs of a bruised ego perhaps…? Fundamentally, signs of a dark manager…
Secondly, hire someone with a British or Australian accent, Afrikaan works as well but they end up sounding like an Indian, so stick to the more esoterically pleasing ones. Men simply cools down when sizeable boobies and dainty eyes flutter at them. Scratch the English, no one pays attention anyway.
Finally, there’s nothing like a gift basket at the end of the implementation to thank them for all the time that they’ve spent allowing you to serve them; short of saying…
“I’m not worthy…”
Shitting downwards is the antithesis of managing upwards; you treat your resources like the minions that they are. Even if a Platinum customer calls at 10:00pm, someone better be ready to pucker up for you to gain the resulting brownie points.
What happens to the peons, the everyday Joe customer?
- Never promise anything to them in writing.
- All promises are verbal
- If they caught a lie, send in the Ken and Barbies
- Maintain scarcity, i.e. ignore their emails, ignore their phone calls, but when they see you, always get ready with a punch line or two that cracks them up, but excuse yourself the moment things get serious. This works practically every time. The customer will look flustered, but he’s typically calmer as he just had a good laugh.
The take away, the Dark Manager has no shame, and borders between a comedian, orator, public relations officer, and would not think twice to get down on his knees to please…