How to be a Crony by Reading between the Lines

There was this discussion about experiences that vendors go through when they're in the middle of a tender or price negotiations. For the record, I have either NOT encountered any such Dark Managers, or its an art that needs to be honed further.

Apparently, one needs to "infer", the hints thrown across the opposite end of the table and work behind the scenes in fulfilling those needs. For example:-

1. I do not believe that my phone will work well with your solution.
   Emphasis on the work "my", as it really means; if you wanna be my buddy - by all means give me a new phone asap. Especially one that'll work with the solution.
   
   It's not necessarily a phone, but could be anything. For example, I do not think my firewall will be able to work with the solution. If the person is a straight shooter, it's probably true, but more often than not its a lazy manager that's been sitting on an upgrade to an old firewall that's 12 years old and about 200 patches behind.
   
   
2. I'm sorry, my kids are screaming at me for an x-box and I need to go now...
   Perk your ears for any "domestic" complaints, it's actually a problem requiring a solution. In this over simplified scenario, it's an x-box. It could be anywhere from "my girlfriend wants to go to a concert and I can't seem to find the time" to "I think I twisted my back the other day..." which really means, I need a spa weekend massage. Happy ending or not depends on the person.
   
   
3. How many customers have used your product?
   This yells SITE VISIT like a beacon, just jump right through it and get it done and over with. Book your tickets to Thailand, Singapore and South Africa (hint - world cup), Vegas etc. Never mind that the closest demo center is just a 15 minutes drive.
   
   
4. Can you tell me the benefits of this system?
   Book a personal time later to explore what kind of "benefits" tickle the Dark Manager's fancy. Especially when you ask whether he/she requires more private time with the "team" to go through it in detail.


5. How many users can this system support?
   The question above shows doubt, which requires "investments" in terms of a "proof-of-concept" machines. I.e. the operations team requires a loaner as they're facing an IT catastrophe. Oh, be warned though, the loaners tend to go missing or returned to you 2 years later.
   

Once you've fulfill most of the needs, the hints will be more obvious and by then you're pretty much a good friend. Feel free to add-on to the list...

People who gripe about Nepocronysm

I've come to the realization that people who gripe about nepocronysm have one or more of the following symptoms:-

1. They don't have beer buddies
2. They tend to have lunch alone
3. Spend most of their time "meeting friends" online
4. Plays golf on the PC
5. Prefers to wank off compared to sex
6. Only meets with "real people" when they want something from you

As a Dark Manager and by reading this blog; you hereby swear that you WILL make time for your friends and families even if they have BO.

Surviving Nepocronyism

At the risk of creating an obscene neologism, the term Nepocronyism will be used throughout the article. Essentially, the practice of both Nepotism and Cronyism within the organization; I mean, it won’t be the first time that Uncle Bob’s nephew brings in one of his frat bros into the company and it won’t be the last time that the nephew squanders half the asset and still be chairman when Uncle Bob kicks the bucket.



It’s also quite the curiosity to note that Nepocronyism sounds a wee bit like Necropolis, the world of the dead in Greek mythology. Which directly translates to the career of most people in the organization, unless of course; you’re “in the family”.

My pet peeves with organizations that are blatantly Nepocronyistic is how they produce vision statements that are misleading, e.g.

“We are an organization of giants where every personnel will be given equal opportunity for success”.

Or

“We stand by an egalitarian and democratic process of advancement”.

For some strange reasons, the Dark Managers in these organizations just can’t bear the bad press of calling the company XYZ & Sons or XYZ and Co. I mean, the biggest organizations in the world are Nepotistic by nature, and for extremely valid reasons -> it’s a family run business. Look at IBM (the first bunch of decades), Bankcroft Family's Dow Jones, Rupert Murdoch's News Corp, Sam Walton and Walmart etc.

As a Dark Manager, you have all the reasons to practice Cronyism. At the end of the day, it’s about who you can really trust in the company. With all the bad karma that you’ve been gathering, you’ll need the frat brother that shared a whore with you during sophomore. Heck, you still have pictures in case he runs out of line.

So here are a few hints on how to survive Nepocronism, in the event that the cards don’t play to your favour.

• Drop names when you’re talking to a head honcho, like, “I was classmates with Barrack Obama in Indonesia”. Barack sounds like “berak” which means “to take a dump” in Indonesian, so make up a number of anecdotes about how you use to stand up for Obama when he was still a scrawny big eared kid and that you guys still keep in touch.
  
  Dropping names do wonders as it elevates your social status without having to prove anything.
  

• Be chummy with them (Yes, you’ll have to go through an initiation of sorts)
  Be very careful with this advice, as it potentially means turning yourself into their servant dog and running errands. Being a blue blood all these years has helped them identify willing gophers. So be careful not to seem too obsequious. Secondly, you’ll have to shell out quite a fair bit of money to join in their leisure activities.
  

• Marry into them
  Pick the ugliest cousin and suck in your dignity. I need not go into details.
  
  
• Quit
  At the end of the day, if it’s really too hard and your manhood or womanhood just can’t stomach it, find yourself another company.
  

Better yet, start one with your friends, funded by your dad or a rich uncle’s money.