Resigning Gracefully

Perhaps I was a tad too harsh in the previous posting on resignations. Here's the top 10 things to do before you resign.

1. Copy the address book of all your corporate customers and accounts.
2. Copy the address book of all your colleagues, you never know when you may just spam them with want adds or unit trust deals.
3. Be chummy with just about everyone.
   
4. Find 5 people to have lunch with. At least.
5. Out of the 5 people, find 2 that will be your potential referee
6. Out of the 2, find 1 that's willing to bend the truth a bit :p
7. When HR do call you in for your exit interview. Just tell them how thankful you are for your current job, but thanks anyway cause the next job just pays too well. Even if its not true.
8. If you're the lucky few which the CEO do summon to his office for a farewell chit chat. You really have 2 options. A) Tell him the real reason why you're leaving. B) Repeat the same dribble you told HR. Either way, sound positive and not some whiny wanker.
9. Shred everything. I know, some people say that this is illegal, but it really depends on the company's policy. In the first place, nobody really cares about those documentation in the first place. On the other hand, you may wish to keep some documentation with the CEO's signatures just in case.
   
10. Last but not least, your handover documentation. Usually, it's something that you do last if nothing at all. But then again nobody reads any documents these days, so whatever you've produced is really a summary of interesting bits that you may want to take with you on your next job.
    

The Difference between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

_______

Not original, taken online somewhere...

Resignations...

I don't know about the Western world... but in Asia, there's this unspoken law about resignations - You're not suppose to tell people what you're going to do or where you're going. At best you make up an excuse like,

"my mum's sick... or you have a permanent hernia that's leaking bile and crap, so it won't be fair for your office mates to deal with it".

IMHO, it's pure Dark Management bull behaviour. You've probably fucked up so bad, that you're afraid that your current employer will call up your new boss explaining intimate details of the screw up.

Secondly, when you do bump into your old boss; you'd have this weird ass look of someone thinking up another lie explaining why you're with a Vendor which you've signed a 3 year non-compete agreement during your previous employment.

Be a man!

Just own up and tell the whole world that you're leaving your current Gawd forsaken dump for the next dump. Who knows; folks may just think you have balls for a change. Not to mention how mortal enemies now suddenly come right at you and give you a congratulatory pat in the back...

"No hard feelings yah, and good luck"

"Sure, thanks mate", and what you really want to say is... "Fuck you and die!"

The Balloon

A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am. How did you know?"

"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am. But how did you know?"

"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Cognitive Distortions

Another affliction taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion
I've come to the conclusion that perhaps some dark mangers just do not know that they have these diseases; well, at least wishing that helps me sleep. For me to think that any individual can be diabolically vile and commit to premeditated actions is just too depressing.

Many cognitive distortions are also logical fallacies; related links are suggested in parentheses.

1. All-or-nothing thinking - Thinking of things in absolute terms, like "always", "every" or "never". Few aspects of human behavior are so absolute. (See false dilemma.)
   
   
2. Overgeneralization - Taking isolated cases and using them to make wide generalizations. (See hasty generalization.)
   
   
3. Mental filter - Focusing exclusively on certain, usually negative or upsetting, aspects of something while ignoring the rest. For example, focusing on a tiny imperfection in a piece of otherwise useful clothing. (See misleading vividness.)
   
   
4. Disqualifying the positive - Continually "shooting down" positive experiences for arbitrary, ad hoc reasons. (See special pleading.)
   
   
5. Jumping to conclusions - Assuming something negative where there is no evidence to support it. Two specific subtypes are also identified:
   • Mind reading - Assuming the intentions of others.
   • Fortune telling - Predicting how things will turn before they happen. (See slippery slope.)
     
     
6. Magnification and minimization - Inappropriately understating or exaggerating the way people or situations truly are. Often the positive characteristics of other people are exaggerated and negative characteristics are understated. There is one subtype of magnification:
   • Catastrophizing - Focusing on the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or thinking that a situation is unbearable or impossible when it is really just uncomfortable.
     
     
7. Emotional reasoning - Making decisions and arguments based on how you feel rather than objective reality. (See appeal to consequences.)
   
   
8. Making should statements - Concentrating on what you think "should" or ought to be rather than the actual situation you are faced with, or having rigid rules which you think should always apply no matter what the circumstances are. Albert Ellis termed this "Musturbation". (See wishful thinking.)
   
   
9. Labeling and mislabeling - Explaining behaviors or events, merely by naming them; related to overgeneralization. Rather than describing the specific behavior, you assign a label to someone or yourself that puts them in absolute and unalterable terms. Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
   
   
10. Personalization (or attribution) - Assuming you or others directly caused things when that may not have been the case. (See illusion of control.) When applied to others, blame is an example.

Narcissistic personality disorder

According to DSM IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) criteria and taken from Wikipedia,

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:[1]

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
   Which gets translated to an inordinate amount of budget being allocated to offices with plus chairs and secretaries. Not to forget bookshelves that typically gets stocked with books that you don't read, and folders that are really empty.
   
   
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love (megalomania)
   Seriously, this is beyond me.... :p
   
   
3. Believes they are "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, people (or institutions) who are also "special" or of high status
   A general manager should never seek advise from a senior manager, should never seek advice from a manager and so forth...
   
   
4. Requires excessive admiration
   It's your birthday, and you're wondering where's the gift baskets from your staff and the vendors.
   
   
5. Has a sense of entitlement
   If the managerial office in Tower 2 is larger than Tower 1, it'll potentially appear in next week's Management Minutes
   
   
6. Is interpersonally exploitative
   When management suddenly asks you out for lunch... be wary... be extremely wary.
   
   
7. Lacks empathy
   Calling your staff at 3am in the morning and asking him to drive 200km to the data center on a Christmas Saturday makes perfect sense.
   
   
8. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
   Let's be honest now, your day gets ruin should you notice that your staff has a notebook with better specs.
   
   
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
   Really? Me? I'm always patient and humble towards everyone that I deal with.
   

There's also a certain pattern that I noticed, Dark Managers with this sickness tends to be short ~ Napoleon Syndrome perhaps? More importantly, they typically don't get promoted any higher up in the food chain and retires as a Manager or if they're lucky a Senior Manager.

Lastly, the worst of the lot are Senior Executives that never makes Manager. Personally, someone should shove em to a loony bin and throw away the keys; and these people supports my case on the uselessness of psychometric tests to weed out these individuals...

To Toe/Tow the Line

Dark Managers also suffer from a parrot reflex of repeating phrases that the CEO uses. At the moment, "towing the line" seems to be spreading around.

It's so odd how its being used in just about every situation. E.g. if the boss shits and you wipe his ass; that's also known as towing the line.

When I did a quick check on wikipedia, it was originally written as to "toe the line" as in when an army commander calls his soldiers to attention, they stand abreast of each other, with each soldier looking down to ensure his/her toes are on the line.

So maybe that's true too, in the even the boss walks by, you'd want your subordinates to "toe the line" and in corporate speak; that means a clean desk, arms always clenching a deck of freshly printed powerpoint presentation plus a 300 page leather bound organizer. Nevermind that you also carry a phone PDA.

Nevermind also that the PowerPoint presentation is merely 5 pages long, but you've printed 20 copies of it just to make it look big.