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Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
5 minute - Management Course (Collection of Oldies)
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800
to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember
Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find
an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my
personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the
office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lays there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800
to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember
Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find
an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my
personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the
office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lays there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
The Difference between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
_______
Not original, taken online somewhere...
The Balloon
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
The Rowing Team - Malaysian Version
A Japanese company and a Malaysian company decided to have a canoe race on the Rejang River.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Malaysians, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Malaysian team had 4 governance personnel, a supervisor, a stamping officer, and an assistant offier which checks that the stamping officer has rightfully stamped the supervisor's decisions on how fast the single rower should row. Nobody really knows what the governance personnel do other than deliberating whether the rower is using the correct rowing technique from articles that they subscribe to from a rowing site. So the Malaysian management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They also advised that there were too many people "not rowing" and while the processes and deliberations are important the number of people required can be reduced. The PM was sent the report and he immediately threw it aside.
He decided to let go of the 2 stamping officers, kept the supervisor and made the governance personnel dual role as stampers and governance. Which meant that now the governance people were referring to even more articles both on supervision and rowing. The PM increased the rowers to 3, placed his son and his 2 best friends in the team for exposure.
The next year, the Malaysian team won by two miles!
The 3 rowers were frat buddies with the Japanese rowing team and agreed that they would throw the race in exchange for a business deal. The 4 governance officers still debated only now each one of them felt that the other person was too stupid to understand where they're coming from. The supervisor on the other hand gave an emotional speech thanking everyone for their contributions and everyone got their bonuses. Especially the 3 rowers which immediately became senior managers and needed replacements for next year's race.
Happy and elated, they decided that the following year's team should be the same 4 governance personnel, a single rower, the stamping officer, the assistance stamping officer and the supervisor...
Because the lessons learned database would have enough information to beat the Japanese again
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Malaysians, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Malaysian team had 4 governance personnel, a supervisor, a stamping officer, and an assistant offier which checks that the stamping officer has rightfully stamped the supervisor's decisions on how fast the single rower should row. Nobody really knows what the governance personnel do other than deliberating whether the rower is using the correct rowing technique from articles that they subscribe to from a rowing site. So the Malaysian management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They also advised that there were too many people "not rowing" and while the processes and deliberations are important the number of people required can be reduced. The PM was sent the report and he immediately threw it aside.
He decided to let go of the 2 stamping officers, kept the supervisor and made the governance personnel dual role as stampers and governance. Which meant that now the governance people were referring to even more articles both on supervision and rowing. The PM increased the rowers to 3, placed his son and his 2 best friends in the team for exposure.
The next year, the Malaysian team won by two miles!
The 3 rowers were frat buddies with the Japanese rowing team and agreed that they would throw the race in exchange for a business deal. The 4 governance officers still debated only now each one of them felt that the other person was too stupid to understand where they're coming from. The supervisor on the other hand gave an emotional speech thanking everyone for their contributions and everyone got their bonuses. Especially the 3 rowers which immediately became senior managers and needed replacements for next year's race.
Happy and elated, they decided that the following year's team should be the same 4 governance personnel, a single rower, the stamping officer, the assistance stamping officer and the supervisor...
Because the lessons learned database would have enough information to beat the Japanese again
The Rowing Team - An Oldie but a Goldie
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River.
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ' Rowing Team Quality First Program' , with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
♪
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ' Rowing Team Quality First Program' , with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
♪
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.
Who's In Charge
I tend to repeat this "story" whenever I'm assigned tasks which I deem to be improbable or bound for failure. For example, being responsible for something without the authority...
____
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I should be in charge", said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".
"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".
"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
Top Management Training
Thought for the day... a friend forwarded this to me
A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of
buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'
The waiter says, 'Sure chief, coming right up...'
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in
one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it
with the shotgun, then just walks out..
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a
bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and
Says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'
The waiter says, 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?'
The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Me training for top management
position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to
clean up, disappear for rest of day'.
A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of
buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'
The waiter says, 'Sure chief, coming right up...'
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in
one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it
with the shotgun, then just walks out..
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a
bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and
Says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'
The waiter says, 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?'
The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Me training for top management
position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to
clean up, disappear for rest of day'.
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