What to do when you see shit coming

1. Fix what's in front of you first, the rest you flick it into the future.
   Example:
   Project goes live with zero support team. It's ok, it's not your problem.
   In fact celebrate going live gloriously. Nevermind that there's no support team and the maintenance contract was haphazardly negotiated.
   Cause what's important is going live first.
   
   The same goes with kicking off a project. Nothing is more important than having a project kicked off first with the CEO in attendance. You'll be seen as a do'er versus an excuse provide
   
   
2. If the shit is too complex, pretend you don't know about it. Never Ever be the one to raise it to the bosses.
   The bosses probably know about it, but they need "plausible deniability"
   In large organizations where the shit requires more than one party solve, nobody wants to pick it up. It's a given. Look away and cover your nose and just pretend you don't know as well.
   
   And again, please practice in the mirror, when the shit does explode, just go. I'm really no aware how this can happen? No one from team ABC advise on the matter.
   Hence why in any large project, always have a lot of people from alot of teams. Even if they don't do anything it's ok, cause at least they can be a scapegoat. 
   
   
3. NEVER EVER RAISE THE SHIT
   Have to repeat this again, cause when you do raise it, then it becomes your shit. 
   Not only that; you'll be seen as the person that comes up with problems rather than solutions.
   
   

Disappearing creatively

Besides selective amnesia, the mind meld method and taichi, there's the lamest tactic of all - Excuses...

It's typically used by junior dark managers because the "flee mechanism" is still very instinctive. Throughout my working life, I've heard many; but the following are the more creative ones

1. The Father/Mother/Wife/Girlfriend/daughter/son emergency
   There's just so many permutations to go about this, and if you've noticed the rule of thumb; it has to be your most immediate relatives.
   Wife - pregnancy; failure to get pregnant; pregnant but with complications. There's nothing like the notion of an unborn child in distress.
   Father - major illness like cancer, renal failure (something thats protracted where ppl dun die that quickly while being depressing enough)
   Son/Daughter - High fever. Honestly, i think that's really lame, but it somehow works.
   Brother/Sister - loan shark problem. This is really good, cause you come off as a goody big brother/sister role model that your family depends on.
   
   
2. The most recent transmitted decease emergency.
   It used to be SARS, then the Bird flu and the most recent the Swine flu. The cool part about this is the quarantine procedures. You and I know that Human Resources are typically too lazy I mean busy to check whether the person really did either contract the decease or not. Heck, they probably wont even come near you with a 10 feet pole. By virtue of association you get yourself a 5-7 day full salary paid leave, having fun with your PS3 at home.
   
   
3. Emergency Meeting with the VP/President/CEO
   This works as well because no one ever checks where's the head honcho is, let alone bother to ask the secretary of his location. This may even be true, as you could always magically find the time to help the boss synch his blackberry with outlook... something that you've been putting off just for this situation
   
   
4. The family holiday to Australia just came up.
   And guess what, it somehow always come up the week after a major incident where the big presentation to the customer needs to happen. So the chief peon (your no.2 guy needs to do it on your behalf)
   
   There' a slight nuance to excuse 4; if it's the presentation to your boss; you want to do it yourself cause the presenter might blame it on you. But if its to the customer; the unspoken "code of not making your company look like a useless dick that it is infront of your customer" applies. So you're safe!
   

The Dark Manager Mind Meld

Ever want anything to be approved by the CEO without him approving it? Read on.

There's this situation where a presentation for investment required a decision from the boss, but it lacked crucial information. Behind the scenes however its highly important that this project goes on due to motives only known by the PM, so here goes.

Steps to mind meld
1) Casually chat up the boss on the topic, share with him the facts. It doesn't really matter that there will be no decision coming out of it.

2) Write an email to boss but cc. the rest of the approving bodies in the review board of such "discussion". Use words like "base on the discussion...". Note that "the" is indeterminate, and because there's folks in the cc, they'd figure that a decision was actually made by the boss. And when boss reads it, he thinks that the rest of the approving body has concurred.

3) Let the situation cool itself down, at least two weeks. The boss is typically so busy that he'll forget about the email anyway.

4) Present the case to another dept; in particular Procurement and cite that "the ceo" and Approving body has given the approval base on the email.

True enough, its probably not strong cause it requires the CEO's reply, but if you play your cards right, and phrase it convincing enough. The rest of the panel may just approve the activity.

If you're ever caught and got hauled into the CEO's office, insist that the CEO did approve from the conversation, and you wrote the email to him to confirm. Pretend that you're angered at his forgetfulness... and negotiate your case again.

But now with more facts on why the project is important. Sneakiest (Dumbest) trick i've ever seen...

Why it's successful?
-> You get precious air time from the boss...

2 weeks on the Job, inflicted by Selective Amnesia and the making of a Dark Padawan

40 hours a week, 80 hours into the job; there’s bound to be a management instruction (from you) causing outages or impact to the customer. Compounded by your desire and haste to win brownie points from the CEO and “Platinum Level Customers”, the order was executed without proper change management procedures or fall back plans.

Principles of Selective Amnesia

• Never leave any written proof of your instructions.
  That means no instructions over email. It should always be verbally communicated. Email and sms is one sure way of being reminded of the instructions which you have conveniently repressed.
• While explaining the situation. Never provide instruction details
  Keep it high level, with a solid, almost impossible dateline. I want the VP to have the new spanking Outlook/Exchange email by lunch (This is after the team has spent 32 hours hacking the smtp file to setup the exchange server in the first place).
• When shit happens, start the interrogation first; practice this hard as you need to be an Oscar level actor
  Look at your no.1 guy straight in the eye and ask him calmly.
  
  “Do you know anything about the exchange server going down during lunch time?”, in which case, the ever zealous newbie will reply,

“yeah… we tried to provide email to the VP …” and your stoic answer would be an almost awed and surprised.

“Oh (eyes wide, mouth opened), I didn’t even know about that, this shall be investigated (squeeze your brows together) and we’ll have to report the person that did this to the CEO”. A short, snappy and stern display of amnesia.

The colour of your staff will turn pale now, and at the slightest hint of indignation or a comeback, quickly exit the conversation. But not before sneaking in

“Prepare a report for me and we’ll see the CEO together”

Here’s the takeaway, your staff will potentially be pretty pissed cause you’re the one that issued the instructions, however, he can’t do anything, as by admitting the act, he’ll stand out as the perpetrator.

The duality of the situation will be so divisive that eventually, the answer in the report will be a story about how the server suddenly reboots itself before the team could even do anything.

Alas, you have created a disciple, truly, one who is capable of beguiling himself and you of the real incident. Indeed, you are one step closer to become a Dark Management Master.

Tai Chi - The Ultimate Master's Weapon

Tai chi focuses on deflecting your opponent’s energy and using it against them. At the same token the Dark Manager must quickly learn the art of deflecting all forms of work that do not directly contribute to his/her KPI or; that which benefits the requestor. More importantly, deflecting all work that will move responsibility for service up time and customer satisfaction to you! (extremely important advice, they'll be another section on risk & customer satisfaction)

Just the other day we had a problem that can only be resolved by 3 parties, the network team, the infrastructure team and the software support team; each of these departments are rife with bureaucracies; the dark master’s ultimate weapon in the event that it falls on your lap. (More on that here)

Anyway, you’re first act as a Dark Master is to quickly take ownership as the person that will report to the CEO and the customer the progress of the assignment. That way, you’ll be able to control all information flow, and use that as a noose for the rest of the team to complete the task. Secondly, all that reporting, takes so much time, you just no longer have the bandwidth to do the actual work (A good excuse). Provided of course, they are responsible enough to do the work as intended. If you’re faced with fellow Dark Managers, you’re up for a challenge of wits, cloak and dagger politics and yes, a session of Tai Chi.

First, you draw clearly defined boxes that specify your area of responsibilities; the goal of tai chi in work assignments is to push the proverbial ball (work), into an area that does not belong to anyone. Excuses that you can use are:-

• Sorry, that's not my area
  Use this as a last resort, as it does not reflect well upon you. e.g. you're already up the hill, have nothing to lose, and work in an organization that can't fire you.
  
  
• I don’t know how to do it.
  As stupid as this may sound, but most dark managers get away with this. Because the ardent requestor will be so cheezed, he'll end up doing it for you.
  
  
• This is new, my team needs more training (A variant of I do not know how)
  Asking for training is a little bit better, it buys time, and keeps the ball in play longer before you have to kick it. The Tai Chi technique used here, is to ask the requestor to arrange for the proper training, as you can always claim ignorance.
  
  
• Mr. X knows best, although he’s not in my team, he knows how to do it. But my team will be there to support him
  The best approach, ensures that the ball is in another manager’s court, but shows that you are supportive.

Sure enough, the dateline looms and everyone will suddenly scramble as if their life depends on it. The CEO calls for a meeting, and the strategy now turns in Wong Fei Hung’s shadowless kick. All the managers will claim that they’ve done Z amount of effort but to no avail, as there’s so many more dependencies, and best practices to follow before the actual work can be done. Forms needs to be signed, security personnel needs to be involved, if we move without permission, the team will somehow be chastised for not thinking things through. (Hint, dropping a 4th person that has nothing to do with the project is always a good way of stalling and distributing the responsibility further)

Your Best Friend is a Solid Dateline
Secondly, a solid dateline is a Dark Manager's best friend, once you've crossed that boundary the members responsible will immediately switch to this excuse:-

"Oh... it's too dangerous to do anything now, we just need to ride the storm. If we do anything now we risk prolonged downtime that will piss off the customer", this logic is so completely flawed, that it's believable. Trust me on this.

Your buddy Bureaucracy
In the event that it is clearly identified that YOU are responsible, think a little deeper and there’s bound to be bureaucratic stop blocks to ensure that the task gets delayed for at least another 1 or 2 months.

For example, if the request is for an IP Address, make sure you route the requestor to the “Forms Administrator” to issue Form 31A-B, as Form 31A-C is for an external network iP address, not an internal network. Bereuacracy is best when there's no guidelines on which forms to use.

As a Management Committee, your objective as fellow Dark Managers is to ensure mindless compliance to procedures and breaking down of tasks to as many mindless zombies as possible. The mantra is – if ain’t broken, there’s no need to hurry - If it’s broken, it’s not your fault, as it’s not in your court yet -> It’s still the requestor’s problem to answer for it.

Oh by the way, it’s a request for server capacity upgrade for a software application that includes both servers and networks…