Leadership & Management

I got this from an old boss which I highly respect.

There's essentially 2 types of people that I've worked with:-

• 1) Leaders with a clear vision who are catalysts to positive change
• 2) Highly paid rubber stampers with an ego that match their salary -> The Dark Manager!

Myers Briggs were Wearing Rose Tinted Glasses...

The problem with all these psychometric tests is that, it assumes that the test taker will answer honestly... and that's like asking a cat to chew cud for a Dark Manager.

Here's the Dark Manager's Version of Myers Briggs test:-

Favourite World

• Extraversion(E) - they bitch all the time about everything to Everyone and its always someone elses fault. (dysmorphic fault myopia syndrom or a dumb fuck management sod). You also hear stuff like "ohhh i use to do that when i was young... i was the best... I was trained in such and such", but you'll never see them actually doing it with a 10 feet pole
  
• Introversion(I) - they bitch all the time about everything to THEMSELVES and looks like they're about to go postal.
  

Information

• Sensing(S)
  The dark manager that uses facts and intimate knowledge of bureaucracy in order not to work.
• Intuition(N)
  Builds extrapolations of the worst possible scenario based on completely irrelevant facts that because dogs eat cat turd, these 2 animals can't get along. Sorta like how operations team takes all the crap from projects
  

Decisions

• Thinking(T)
  Scrawny dark managers with glasses that spends 2 whole months to work out a matrix that says there should be another study just to corroborate this study.
• Feeling(F)
  You're probably a single female, potentially late 30s to 40s. If you're married, you've not been porked for 2 years. If you're male, you're going through male menopause.

Structure

• Judging (J)
  I "love" judgers because they come to conclusions really fast, and they talk fast and never let you finish your sentence cause they're assuming that the everyone sees the world as they do. They are also extremely easy to communicate with because they say that they do understand everything you just said; yet does something completely differently. They also fall in love with you at first sight just because you're tall or have good teeth or speaks with a Caucasoid foreign accent. Typically these are the only people that makes them pause and actually listen. (Asians can go dig a hole and die quietly).
• Perceiving(P)
  You hear phrases like "we will cross the bridge once we get there"; they'd do everything just to meet some dateline which they've shrunk by 50% to please the boss. Probably decides to add 20 more function points on the fly cause it seems cool and then removes 10 of them 2 hours before the dateline.
  

If you haven't read psychometric tests and interviews go here.

Who's In Charge

I tend to repeat this "story" whenever I'm assigned tasks which I deem to be improbable or bound for failure. For example, being responsible for something without the authority...

____

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

"I should be in charge", said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

A Boss that's smarter than you

What do you do when your boss is smarter than you? Or thinks he is...? After which, comes up with this gargantuan plan for the company that encroaches on how operations have always run (Some hints on what you shouldn't do appear as well)

1. Congratulate the almighty prescient leader like it's Godsend.
   Some people would think that, hey, gee... what if the idea has loop holes...?
   Well, what you shouldn't do is tell him about it, that's what we peons are for - to clean up the mess. With all due respect, not all of the ideas are bad, some of it may even be half good; but like all bosses, they see things at a higher plain of existence, the details, well...
   
   Secondly, because the idea came from the top dog, that's 75% of the battle won. You've just got top-down muscle to bulldoze through bureaucracy (<-see blog entry)
2. When the resident expert tries to put up challenges and threats to the plan?
   That's the opportunity to shine baby, SHINE! Stand up and declare to the rest of the world that the threats and challenges are so minor that its nonsense. Tactfully, to make them techies happy, provide a political solution that goes along the lines of "that problem can be solved via top-down arm twisting"... most techie issues go back to a top-down levering anyway, so remember that; it works 95% of the time.
   
   Keep them techies happy, they're a considerate bunch that's unfortunately, too conservative to run organizations. However; they're good at crossing the 'T's and dotting the 'I's...
   
   
3. What about that other 5%
   Hey, that's where you nominate yourself to lead the task force to come up with the mitigation plan and be the "man" to present it to the boss. Everyone loves task forces... heck; it even sound good in your resume. But remember, THE PLAN STILL GOES ON...!

Lastly, bosses are humans too... for all their training to say the 'right' thing and pat people on the back for a job well done; they need positive feedback too.

Problem is, bosses can't be human because of the power that they wield; and because of that, most people end up telling them stuff that he wants to hear for fear of a lightning bolt. This spiral of ass kissing and radioactive fall out clean up are the activities that kill even large organizations...

Bureaucracy

I like to think of bureaucracy as the dark manager’s ultimate arsenal. It gives you the “power” to deny just about everything. Here’s a list of bureaucratic bullets ready to fire:-

1. Charge Code.
Awesome weapon, not only does it shoot down things coming your way, but it’s really NOT your fault, because the finance department needs it.

2. Approval from the CEO
Because it’s so darn hard to get to him

3. Approval from the customer’s CEO, General Manager, prior to your CEO.
Go boy, good luck on that!

4. Approval from the Project Manager, the Head of Department, the Security Analyst, The Security Head, the Security Governance Stamp.
This is what we call the approval loop of death, because typically, the Security Governance Head never see eye to eye with the Security head. Heck, both of them think they’re better than each other. Due to ego, they won’t sign until the other does!

5. Forms
Forms used to be powerful, but because of all the e-fying going on, it’s loosing it’s power

6. Cryptic E-Forms
Now that’s the way to go! E.g Notes Id Canonical Value, Email Domain, Department Charge code

Top Management Training

Thought for the day... a friend forwarded this to me

A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of
buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure chief, coming right up...'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in
one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it
with the shotgun, then just walks out..

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a
bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and

Says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Me training for top management
position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to
clean up, disappear for rest of day'.

Greetings & Conversation Openers

How someone greets you tells you a lot about the person. There’s roughly the following unspoken objectives/statements when they see you for the first time in the morning based on their voice timber, tone, eye contact, body posture and facial expression (Not necessarily in any specific order):-

• 1. A genuine greeting, no intentions
  
• 2. “Hey, you’re so cute, I so love talking to you every morning”
• 3. “Duuudee… wasssuuup… did you watch the ball game yesterday….?”
• 4. “Asshole! Hope you die mauled by rabid dogs!!!’
• 5. “What a putz , you’re so dumb you couldn’t tell a vulva from an anus”
• 6. “You mensch! Worship me or die”
• 7. “I am better than you, so I'll just mess with you a little”
• 8. “Urgh… not another irrelevant person that I need to make eye contact…”
• 9. “Hmm… he/she could be useful, I’ll be civil and chat a little”
• 10. “I wonder if he/she knows some juicy secret that’s happening with the boss…”
• 11. “Asshole, you don’t even deserve to be in your position, but wtf, I gotta kiss ass… so I’ll just greet you with a sarcasm laced opener”
• 12. “oh shit.. .this guy won’t stop talking…”
• 13. “I see high level ass... must kiss, must kiss... nose not brown enough”

As part of the advance dark manager technique, you have to master, Greeting 1); Greeting 2) even if he/she reeks like the toilet; Greeting 3) to be part of a gang and Greeting 9). All of this while sounding like Greeting 1)

Tough… but you’ll need it to succeed!