A Boss that's smarter than you

What do you do when your boss is smarter than you? Or thinks he is...? After which, comes up with this gargantuan plan for the company that encroaches on how operations have always run (Some hints on what you shouldn't do appear as well)

1. Congratulate the almighty prescient leader like it's Godsend.
   Some people would think that, hey, gee... what if the idea has loop holes...?
   Well, what you shouldn't do is tell him about it, that's what we peons are for - to clean up the mess. With all due respect, not all of the ideas are bad, some of it may even be half good; but like all bosses, they see things at a higher plain of existence, the details, well...
   
   Secondly, because the idea came from the top dog, that's 75% of the battle won. You've just got top-down muscle to bulldoze through bureaucracy (<-see blog entry)
2. When the resident expert tries to put up challenges and threats to the plan?
   That's the opportunity to shine baby, SHINE! Stand up and declare to the rest of the world that the threats and challenges are so minor that its nonsense. Tactfully, to make them techies happy, provide a political solution that goes along the lines of "that problem can be solved via top-down arm twisting"... most techie issues go back to a top-down levering anyway, so remember that; it works 95% of the time.
   
   Keep them techies happy, they're a considerate bunch that's unfortunately, too conservative to run organizations. However; they're good at crossing the 'T's and dotting the 'I's...
   
   
3. What about that other 5%
   Hey, that's where you nominate yourself to lead the task force to come up with the mitigation plan and be the "man" to present it to the boss. Everyone loves task forces... heck; it even sound good in your resume. But remember, THE PLAN STILL GOES ON...!

Lastly, bosses are humans too... for all their training to say the 'right' thing and pat people on the back for a job well done; they need positive feedback too.

Problem is, bosses can't be human because of the power that they wield; and because of that, most people end up telling them stuff that he wants to hear for fear of a lightning bolt. This spiral of ass kissing and radioactive fall out clean up are the activities that kill even large organizations...

Bureaucracy

I like to think of bureaucracy as the dark manager’s ultimate arsenal. It gives you the “power” to deny just about everything. Here’s a list of bureaucratic bullets ready to fire:-

1. Charge Code.
Awesome weapon, not only does it shoot down things coming your way, but it’s really NOT your fault, because the finance department needs it.

2. Approval from the CEO
Because it’s so darn hard to get to him

3. Approval from the customer’s CEO, General Manager, prior to your CEO.
Go boy, good luck on that!

4. Approval from the Project Manager, the Head of Department, the Security Analyst, The Security Head, the Security Governance Stamp.
This is what we call the approval loop of death, because typically, the Security Governance Head never see eye to eye with the Security head. Heck, both of them think they’re better than each other. Due to ego, they won’t sign until the other does!

5. Forms
Forms used to be powerful, but because of all the e-fying going on, it’s loosing it’s power

6. Cryptic E-Forms
Now that’s the way to go! E.g Notes Id Canonical Value, Email Domain, Department Charge code

Top Management Training

Thought for the day... a friend forwarded this to me

A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of
buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure chief, coming right up...'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in
one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it
with the shotgun, then just walks out..

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a
bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and

Says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Me training for top management
position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to
clean up, disappear for rest of day'.

Greetings & Conversation Openers

How someone greets you tells you a lot about the person. There’s roughly the following unspoken objectives/statements when they see you for the first time in the morning based on their voice timber, tone, eye contact, body posture and facial expression (Not necessarily in any specific order):-

• 1. A genuine greeting, no intentions
  
• 2. “Hey, you’re so cute, I so love talking to you every morning”
• 3. “Duuudee… wasssuuup… did you watch the ball game yesterday….?”
• 4. “Asshole! Hope you die mauled by rabid dogs!!!’
• 5. “What a putz , you’re so dumb you couldn’t tell a vulva from an anus”
• 6. “You mensch! Worship me or die”
• 7. “I am better than you, so I'll just mess with you a little”
• 8. “Urgh… not another irrelevant person that I need to make eye contact…”
• 9. “Hmm… he/she could be useful, I’ll be civil and chat a little”
• 10. “I wonder if he/she knows some juicy secret that’s happening with the boss…”
• 11. “Asshole, you don’t even deserve to be in your position, but wtf, I gotta kiss ass… so I’ll just greet you with a sarcasm laced opener”
• 12. “oh shit.. .this guy won’t stop talking…”
• 13. “I see high level ass... must kiss, must kiss... nose not brown enough”

As part of the advance dark manager technique, you have to master, Greeting 1); Greeting 2) even if he/she reeks like the toilet; Greeting 3) to be part of a gang and Greeting 9). All of this while sounding like Greeting 1)

Tough… but you’ll need it to succeed!

Dysmorphic Fault Myopia Syndrome

Dysmorphic Fault Myopia Syndrome is not unlike PMS, except whenever you’re on a bitching fit, the people that you bitch about is really you.

Problem is; you're not able to see through all that haughty righteousness and your (warped) sense of justice outweighs any means so long as your end is met.

Here’s a kind advice for all you dark managers. The moment you find someone in the office that you sincerely despise through some ‘fault’ or moral compass predisposition; find a true friend and ask them whether your's is pointing the same direction.

The Dark Manager Mind Meld

Ever want anything to be approved by the CEO without him approving it? Read on.

There's this situation where a presentation for investment required a decision from the boss, but it lacked crucial information. Behind the scenes however its highly important that this project goes on due to motives only known by the PM, so here goes.

Steps to mind meld
1) Casually chat up the boss on the topic, share with him the facts. It doesn't really matter that there will be no decision coming out of it.

2) Write an email to boss but cc. the rest of the approving bodies in the review board of such "discussion". Use words like "base on the discussion...". Note that "the" is indeterminate, and because there's folks in the cc, they'd figure that a decision was actually made by the boss. And when boss reads it, he thinks that the rest of the approving body has concurred.

3) Let the situation cool itself down, at least two weeks. The boss is typically so busy that he'll forget about the email anyway.

4) Present the case to another dept; in particular Procurement and cite that "the ceo" and Approving body has given the approval base on the email.

True enough, its probably not strong cause it requires the CEO's reply, but if you play your cards right, and phrase it convincing enough. The rest of the panel may just approve the activity.

If you're ever caught and got hauled into the CEO's office, insist that the CEO did approve from the conversation, and you wrote the email to him to confirm. Pretend that you're angered at his forgetfulness... and negotiate your case again.

But now with more facts on why the project is important. Sneakiest (Dumbest) trick i've ever seen...

Why it's successful?
-> You get precious air time from the boss...

The Halo Effect

If you're Caucasian, try working in Asia, folks will look at you like you're the personification of Zeus himself. Not that they know who's Zeus anyway, but you know what I mean.

The 80s have pretty much brainwashed Asians into believing that any mustached American is Magnum P.I. and any white haired older gentleman as John Hannibal Smith from the A-Team.

The 60s and 70s were worst, older Asians think of you as either the six million dollar man, Bruce Banner (if you're smart) or Vic Morrow playing Sergeant Saunders in Combat.

Where as those who remembers the 40s and 50s grew up as secretaries or drivers to white westerners holding positions as regional or banking officers. Needless to say, they carry a position of immense power. Well; relative to the Asian, but for all you know he was probably shipped to the West Indies for being caught shagging the Duke's daughter.
---

The Halo effect, more importantly, persona and the voice of Power by virtue of an accent still affects deeply the psyche of a plain Asian. So here's how you take advantage of it:-

• Always bring a westerner along to any meeting where a Top Asian needs to make decision from a proposal. All the westerner needs to say is "I propose such and such..." and it typically gets endorsed. Never mind that the proposal has been submitted 3x previously.
  
• For better effect, bring an older Westerner, who's taller than 5 Eleven, the taller the better.
• For more impact, throw in an obscure accent. Well; in any case, American and British accents are getting all too common. The flavour of the month is either Australian or European for general IT.
• Afrikaan will do as well. Especially after the movie Blood Diamond and oddly enough in the Supply Chain and logistics line.
  
• Scottish and Irish accents works well in Shipping and Oil Drilling business.
• American works best in consulting
• British for insulting
• German for Enterprise Resource Planning systems (specific field in IT)
  
• Russian, if you need to display statistical numbers. (even if it's just a mean or common Arithmetic) -> Fyi, Most Dark Managers can't count...
  
• Finally, nothing beats a hot looking full chested tall blond wearing a shirt (jacket optional). There's just something about shirt buttons and wholesome mammary glands.